Hey you all, just going to inform you on what's been happening in my life. Well, I do have a job. I am currently training to take reservation for 5 different hotels. The place I work at is called, Starwood. To be honest, its not my kind of job. I am not someone who can sit in an office and be on the phone all day. I don't even really like talking on the phone, I never have. I don't know why I have this job, I guess the money is why. I hate doing something just for the money. I feel like I am robbing. robbing my life out of...living. But once again, I am reminded that its not about me, but of course its about the Person who gave me purpose. So yeah I am going to try and tough it out.
God and I are still trying to figure things out...Well, I'm trying to figure things out. He's there helping me. I am sure that the God of the universe doesn't need to figure anything out. Oh man! My good friend Erick (who I miss very much, but then again I miss a lot of people...cuz all my friends live so stinking' far away), sent me an email about how he was doing. He was saying how he's searching the Bible (mostly NT) to see who Christ really is. And to be honest, I have wanted to do that for years. So this week have decided to do that. And I am learning truly what an incredible man he really was. Not just a man who didn't sin. I learned last night the intensity of Christ's passion for his purpose. He wasn't focused on anything other than His high call. And with purpose comes commitment.
Many of you know that for this past winter season I was home without a job. So I mostly sat on my moms couch or did some sewing. While I was home, my home church's college and career group leader was trying to get me to come out to what he called "merge." I didn't want to be committed to it for many different reason, non were anybodies fault. Merge was just not something I wanted to completely commit to; I think people mistake commitment and pressure. I felt pressure to go there and whenever I feel pressure I run. That may give reason to why I don't and never have had a boyfriend. But this is not about boys...Well ok a little. Something always seems to do with the opposite gender. Even though not going to merge was not about commitment, it got me thinking. But not for long, I shut the thought out and decided to believe "sure, I'm committed to something." it didn't hit me until a week ago that I am really not committed to anything. Family...Nope. Friends...Not really. Job...That's a joke. God...You would think. I have stayed with God for so long, because...well, there's probably a lot of reasons. But I don't think any of them had to do with commitment. I think more with fear and feeling comfortable. But once I realized I wasn't committed to a single thing...Next thing to think about was, what should I commit to? Well, the first and obvious one is God. This is so bigger than I am making it sound. The fact that I don't know God enough to be willing to be committed to Him. dahhh! "are you kidding me?" the more I think about it, the more I want to forget it and live like I used to, instead of faces how stupid i have been for so long. But the truth is I cant. I can't live a lie or keep coming up short. The lie that I have been telling myself is that "I love him." but that love comes and goes when I please. Is that love? Then I come to the question, what fully defines love? And I leave you with that question to ponder yourself. I think your going to ponder that question for a while, b/c with that question comes changes and more questions. All for the search of knowing how to love God and that search is what i am committing to. Peace out.